Today we celebrate Mothers Day. Or specifically in the United Kingdom, Mothering Sunday. It is not traditionally to be confused with the American Mothers Day, of which I’m much more used to celebrating these past 16 years.
Mothering Sunday is the fourth Sunday of Lent. Although it’s often called Mothers’ Day it has no connection with the American festival of that name. Traditionally, it was a day when children, mainly daughters, who had gone to work as domestic servants were given a day off to visit their mother and family.
– Source: BBC
Yesterday I was invited to be a speaker at a motherhood event by Kensington Mums. KM is an award winning website running for a few years, organising events for mothers in and around the Royal Borough of Kensington & Chelsea. The event was being held at the newly open beautiful private members only club, South Kensington Club.
I was given free reign by the founder, Dina Maktabi, to speak about any topic of my choice. I thought about speaking on being a Global Citizen, raising 4 children made in 4 different countries and how to make them truly Global Citizens themselves.
Somehow yesterday morning, a different thought crossed my mind. It was almost as if I had to ‘go back’ to the original version of Mothering Sunday. I had to ‘revisit’ my mum and late grandmother. A voice inside me said I had to talk about the 3 females that have inspired me in my motherhood journey.
So yesterday, with shaking hands and legs, (I’m normally a confident speaker on stage, no matter the size of the crowd) not from nervousness but from deep emotions, I shared with the crowd my 3 inspirations:
- My late grandmother: she adopted my mum and 3 more children and raised them as her own. Leaving Indonesia to seek a living in Singapore, her life wasn’t easy. It was of poverty. Yet she taught me about unconditional love and kindness for all. Whether it was a stray cat or dog or a ‘lost human’, she taught me that every soul just wants to be loved. She taught me to always open my door (home and heart) to anyone and anything that needs love and kindness. This woman died with not much money to her name but of boy, there were many who loved her for loving them, crying for the loss.
- My own mother: I admitted to the crowd yesterday that growing up, I didn’t have the best of relationship with my mother. Specifically my teen years, the years when I wanted to quickly gain my independence. Yet I recognised now the reason we clashed a lot is because I am her in so many ways. She is the person who taught me about internal strength, perseverance, hard work and pride in myself. This woman was beaten by her own husband a few too many times. My so called father beat her badly during her pregnancy with me hoping she’ll miscarry me or I’ll die inside leaving him the opportunity then to be with his next ‘love’. My mum told me maybe this is where my strength came from: I could not be killed. Juggling 3 jobs to raise her children and to look after 2 ageing parents, I truly understood the power of hard work and what money means. She taught me to make my own clothes and encouraged me to develop my talents in arts and sports. No matter how tired she was from a night shift, she was always there cheering me on come Sports Day. No matter how tired she was from doing her own catering (she sold food on the side at work) she was always preparing things for my schools bake sales etc. I don’t think she’ll pass the test for ‘worlds best mum’ but she surely taught me the most important things a woman like me need to get on with my own life. A life full of adventure.
- My mummy cat Galaxy: by the time I came to this point, many in the crowd had wet eyes. I didn’t mean to make them cry so I hoped they’ll laugh when I mentioned my cat. Which many did. Though I’m sure many were initially perplexed, as I’m sure you are my readers. Why my cat? Well.. She taught me about defying moulds. Stereotypes. And animal instincts. Of which we human, in this digital age, are slowly losing. Being a Pure Breed Persian Seal Point, her breed is known as the ‘Royal’ cat. They need a lot of attention yet they don’t give it back. They are aloof and don’t make good mothers. Many a times, they don’t even know how to mother their new born babies. I believe Galaxy was sent by the Universe to me to reinforce my own motherhood instincts and views. You see, Galaxy became pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Asger. Though being a cat, she gave birth to him 2 months before me. Against her breed’s stereotype, she breastfeed him longer than the average 8-12 weeks. She was still breastfeeding him till he was 9 months old!! Milo became bigger than his mum yet there he was, like a baby, still cuddling up to his mummy looking for love. She always knew when he wanted to play (again, for her breed, she is extremely playful!) and when he needed a lick and a cuddle. I used to watch her in amazement and would ask the universe, ‘Is she my teacher?’ Milo is now coming up to 6 years of age and she still mothers him when she sensed its necessity. I can tell sometimes he doesn’t like it when she licks him unnecessarily yet like this week, he’s been ill. He doesn’t move away when mummy comes to show him love. This is the mothering instinct I’m talking about. Knowing when to stay away when our children needs their independence and when to move in and shower them with love at the exact time it’s needed.
I also shared a bit more about my own motherhood journey and my lessons. Post-Natal Depression (PND), of which I got pretty badly with Amelia, my no.2, became a central point for half the afternoon. What many mothers didn’t realise is that ‘baby blues’ hit 3 out of 4 mothers. Only 1/4 is severe. Meaning 2/4 mothers didn’t even know what they were going through and could have done with some professional help. And it was indeed eye opening when many admitted that they didn’t even know the feeling of extreme ‘tiredness, helplessness, incompetence and malaise’ could have been attributed to PND/PNB and it wasn’t just failure on their part.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, being a mother is one of the toughest unpaid job in the world. Not putting fatherhood and fathers down (I am married to the best example of fathers in my eyes) I think mothers, especially in many parts of the world, have it so difficult. They are not allowed to mother their children with their instincts because their society tells them otherwise. Be it through patriarchy or media stereotype (this is how you should do it, this is how you shouldn’t do it, this is how babies are supposed to be fed/clothed, you should feel this way or that etc) mothers are more confused than ever. The more information is poured down, the more we are made to feel incompetent.
I say this: there is no perfect way to mother. There is only YOUR WAY. Take the best advice in your eyes, put a dash of humour and pour in a whole lot of instincts. Then seal it with kindness and patience, the end will be delicious. It may not be a dish liked by others but it should be a dish that’s perfect FOR YOU.
Happy Mothering Sunday to all my inspiring and inspirational mothers celebrating it today. Your work can never be done by someone else. ❤️
