My Life Changing Day

By the time you read this blog, I’ll be down for the count so to say. Hopefully, I’m in the land of deep sleep, in a sterile condition, surrounded by an expert and his assisting team.

I’m finally going for an operation that is necessary and no matter how I’ve delayed it, the day will and has come. I am having a growth, a cyst, and my thyroid (throat) bone removed today.

For as long as I can remember from my youth, I’ve always been blighted by throat problems. Whether it was laryngitis or throat infection, there was always something affecting that area one way or another.

Some years back, I was going through severe emotional and financial upheaval, both as an entrepreneur and as a woman. When your mind is under such duress, it’s not surprising that my physical body finally succumbed to another infection in my throat.

When I finally saw an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) specialist, I had a small lump growing in the middle of my neck. He stuck a syringe in and instead of injecting, he aspirated a sizable amount of yellow fluid. He told me I had an infection in the sac that sits in front of my throat. This condition is not something that was caused by any ‘wrongdoing’ on my part but it happened at the embryonic stage. It is a remnant of what is now my thyroid glands.

To cut a story short, I was told that sooner or later, I’ll need to get it surgically removed or it can get infected more often and who knows what else will happen. The word surgery scared me straightaway and I told myself, who wants an ugly scar across the neck?!

As it happens, more infections did come! Coupled with the stress of having a third baby, made the lump noticeably bigger. I even had someone asked me if I was a ladyboy! That, I could take with a laugh but the low-grade pain every day was not something I cherish.

Despite the pain and slight embarrassment of awkward questioning, I thought of many reasons why I was resistant to the idea of surgery. I’ve never had to be in a hospital for any surgery of any kind. Besides childbirth (gynaecological) reasons, I’ve managed to stay away from hospitals as I’ve been relatively healthy most of my life.

I also worry about the fact that with the surgery, I’ll be away from my kids especially my baby, who turns 9 months yesterday. I’ve never been away, not even for 1 night, from my two eldest girls as I was a fully breastfeeding mum for the full 24 months I nursed them. Now I feel guilty that Asger will not have the comfort of my bosoms for 2 nights. I know he’ll survive but will my bosoms understand the lack of a tiny pair of hands caressing it, looking for love and nourishment?

I joked to the surgeon about being scared of the pain after the surgery. But as a holistic therapist and coach, I’ve helped many clients through their own pain by teaching them techniques to manage the pain. So what exactly was stopping or delaying my decision to go for surgery?

I searched myself and I found the answer. That answer is: I was afraid of giving up my power. Power over my own body. After incidences in my past, I’ve taught myself to be the real boss of my own body and mind.

I am it’s only caretaker as I only have this one to look after. The idea that I will be totally unconscious while ‘strangers’ fiddle around with my body, cutting my skin open, does give me a slight chill.

It doesn’t help that I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I do wonder if the surgeon will have a good sewing skill. My DH joked that if I could suture up myself, I would.

Yes, I’ve finally plucked up the courage to change my life today. Today is a day of many first but I hope a surgery on my body will also be the last. The memory and scar will serve to remind me that I was strong enough to give up my power.

May God give me strength. Have you had to give up your power for the greater good?